I am heartbroken and for the last three days I’ve been grieving; Whilst Stephen is still physically with us, I have to accept my dear Daddio has gone
I finally got to visit him at the care home on Friday and the courageous, ridiculously intelligent, hilarious and loving father I knew wasn’t there.
He doesn’t even look like him anymore and so there will be no more photos or selfies, as it’s not how I wish for him to be remembered. His magnificent brain has been destroyed by this f-king disease and in the three short months he’s been in care, it’s taken the last few pieces of him I could hold onto. I realised today, that tomorrow will make it exactly 3 years since I started this diary. I never expected to be here so quickly.
As anyone who’s experienced the heart-wrenching journey of a loved one fighting a terminal illness will know, “anticipatory grief” (as I’m told it’s called) is not really talked about. It’s so complex and currently accompanied by the deepest pain I’ve ever felt. My head hurts I’ve cried so much in the last few days.
As painful as it will be, I will of course still visit him in the coming months, as I will never abandon him. However, I know that it will be to see the lovely kind ex-serviceman, Stephen, and not my personal hero and wonderful Daddy that I miss so so much